Japan to Level Akihabara for New Disney Park

He seems like a nice, based, fellow

Akihabara, Japan – Incoming Disney CEO Josh D’Amaro made a surprise announcement this morning that his first move at the head of Disney would be to demolish a large portion of “Electric Town” Akihabara to make way for a brand new Disney amusement park. “The data makes it beyond clear at this point that our Disney properties are being viewed more positively by the youth of Japan than the generic isekai and school romance anime that continues to be pumped out,” claimed D’Amaro to reporters. “Given this change in taste, it only makes sense to demolish ‘Weeb Town’ and replace it with another joyful Disneyland theme park.” 

FYI, r/japannews gets all of their news stories from us

Initial reactions from Japanese citizens on social media almost universally seemed to praise the decision. “I’m tired of bland ass, socially awkward anime protagonists. Bring me the MOUSE,” said one viral comment on r/Japan. Many other self-proclaimed Japanese citizens were excited of the change because they were bored of only being able to buy “half-naked waifu figurines” in Akihabara and wanted a Buzz Lightyear or Han Solo figure to jerk off to instead. Still other natives praised the decision stating that they were sick of ‘foreign neckbeards’ coming to Japan and think turning Akihabara into a Disney park will result in classier tourists coming to visit. 

Famed for forcing children to work twelve hour, non-stop shifts as Minion characters for Universal, D’Amaro was brought on to take over for Disney after shareholder concerns arose that not enough Disney staff members were forced to live in their cars to make ends meet. D’Amaro was also rumored to be a top pick as Minions have been slowly taking over Japan, and Disney’s poaching of D’Amaro could hinder that spread. Disney shares rose two cents on the news of the hire, while Comcast (owners of Universal) stock dropped 75% on the news they lost the Minions marketing maestro. 

Japan is being taken over by hunks!

Amongst concern at the changes Disney might make, Disney’s X account clarified that while all pachinko, maid cafe, and anime stores would be “turned to dust and pissed on,” all cat cafes would be spared because “who could possibly want to destroy a cafe filled with such snuggly wuggly cutie pies of soft sweet cuddliness?”