Japan Uncertain if 9.9 Quake Was Caused by Gojira or Tourists
SYDNEY, JAPAN - Dashing to school with a some overly buttered toast in her mouth, part-high school student and part-geological research expert Kimiko Rodgers confirmed to local passerbys this morning that she and other experts remain uncertain if the recently detected 9.9 magnitude earthquake was caused by the legendary, gargantuan beast Gojira, or if it should be blamed on local tourists eating chocolate bananas on the sidewalk. "Well I've lived here for seventy-five years and Gojira never caused such a large quake, so it obviously has to be those darn foreigners fault," argued Haruka Smith, a long time Japanese citizen and conspiracy connoisseur. "Those cursed immigrants and tourists are probably the reason why my shoes come untied and my family hasn't visited me for the past twenty-seven years, too." Citizens across Japan were alerted to the earthquake, causing individuals across the country to say goodbye to their loved ones, skip out on school, and throw racial slurs at French protestors on social media. Mainstream news outlets in Japan have noted over the past week that the 9.9 quake was actually a false alarm and that if an actual quake of such strength had occurred then the entire country would be in ruins and millions would be dead, but that hasn't stopped more xenophobic Japanese citizens from insisting that the earthquake was a distraction to provide cover for Chinese and American tourists that were being overly rowdy and hitting on the local cafe maids.
