Valve to Market Steam Machine as a "Dust Collector" to Build Pre-Orders

In addition to collecting dust, the Steam Machine is also a solid banana holder (Source)

Orlando, Texas - Imploring to real Gamers^TM tone down the rhetoric that the newly announced Steam Machine might be overpriced, Valve owner Gabe Newell announced today that the console could also function as a dust collector. "We were planning on announcing this closer to Christmas time to boost holiday sales, but given the poor remarks by our fans we've been left with no choice but to clarify that the Steam Machine will function excellently as a dust collector," said Gabe to investors, adding that the machine could possibly, if need be, be used as a gaming console as well. "We just felt like we needed to compete with the Wii Us and every Xbox console in the grime accumulation market."

With a flat top measuring 6''x6'' (or 15cm by 15cm for commies), the Steam Machine is estimated to hold up to three terabytes of dust at one time (Source)

The announcement largely drew praise from the gaming community as several major Youtubers in the gaming space reversed course and began pumping out content praising the device. "I haven't had a console promise to collect dust since the Sega Dreamcast," noted real Gamer^TM and Youtuber Asmongold between between pulling out a tooth and petting his cockroach roommate. "Now it just needs a good ol' red ring of death or an easily broken wrist strap on the controller and I'll be all in." After originally being described as overpriced, unnecessary, and communist, other Gamers^TM have also flipped in support of the Steam Machine, now referring to it as hip, trendy, and "as sleek and sexy as that new Evie character in the Stellar Blade sequel."

Valve further upped the anti by announcing each Steam Machine would come with a free feather duster to "help brush away the existing dust to make room for higher fidelity dust mites that may be available to download or import in the future." Valve did also had to clarify that despite its name, the Steam Machine was not going to be able to replace ironing or steaming one's clothes. They were also still in the process of determining if the console would be an actual machine or simply remain a figment of their imagination.