Self-Identified Attack Helicopter Accidentally Sold to Ukraine

Photographed: Jimmy shortly before being struck by an RPG

Sapporo, Ukraine – American man Jimmy “Cuckdalibs” Smithins was confirmed to now be a military asset of the Ukranian army earlier today after confusion in a social media post resulted in him being mistaken for military aircraft. Jimmy, 32, arrived in Ukraine this morning as part of NATO’s most recent weapon sales after a misinterpreted X (Formerly Twitter) post suggested that Jimmy was actually military craft.

“If you’re a woman, then I’m an attack helicopter,” said Jimmy, who goes by the username Cuckdalibs on X. “I can fly about and shoot people in the sky because I identify as an attack helicopter! I bet you’re weeping hard now beta. OWNED!” A quick review of Jimmy’s X account revealed that he had in fact no personality or hobbies, and his entire existence amounted to hating trans people online. Of the posts Jimmy had made in the past week, all 1547 of them were demanding that trans people be jailed or killed. 

When asked by reporters about his upcoming role in the war, Jimmy broke down upon learning that he was to be used to primarily assist in killing white men. “I can’t stand the idea of killing white people,” said Jimmy solemnly. “I love the entire white race. Unless they’re gay white people or lesbian white people. Or trans white people, of course. Or if they’re white people who immigrated to the United States, legally or illegally. Oh, and white women, too. I can see myself killing them. And of course any white people who betrayed their race and voted for Kamala Harris. Those white people deserve death as well. But other white people are the best.”

Upon attempting to utilize Jimmy as an actual helicopter, Ukrainian soldiers noted that his control stick was unusually small and seemed to leak coolant upon the slightest touch.