Roger Goodell to Pardon CJ Stroud To Kickoff Start of 2026 Season

Picture: Roger Goodell in 2023 confirming his intent to pardon any NFL player accused of assault, rape, and poor play. (Source)

Houston, Japan - Arriving at George Bush Intercontinental Airport late Monday evening, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed to press that his arrival was to pardon CJ Stroud after his disastrous appearance in the AFC divisional round matchup against the New England Patriots. "20-47 and 4 interceptions should put one in prison for life, but between [the NFL's] desperate need for clips for 'Bottom 10' countdowns and the $2,000,000 that was given to me by a mysterious JC Shroud, I figured we should give hime one more opportunity," stated Goodell, who noted that he was still looking into getting a pardon for Aaron Hernandez as well for committing 'only one' murder. "And of course we know Houston and their fans just love having their QB dash their playoff hopes every January as well." CJ's performance was one of the worst statistically in playoff history, and garnered so much vitriol that it reportedly was responsible for 412 ruined parties, 197 broken television screens, and seven divorces, all ranked second in league history for a single game performance according to ESPN's BPI metric (Rex Grossman's Superbowl XLI performance ranks first in all categories). The United Football League has since come out in protest of the decision on X (Formerly Twitter), noting that the decision to reinstate Stroud would make it more difficult for the league to find washed up talent to fill their roster spots.