Magical Girl Buys Shotgun to “Stop All This Bullshittery”

You go, girl! Wands and wishes are for pussies.

Tohokou Primary Academy, Mississippi – Shortly after declaring on X that she was “Sik [sic] and tired of this b.s.,” elementary student and local magical girl Himari Johnson was reported entering the nearby Gunz ‘R Funz store searching for a weapon to deal with her upcoming villain of the week.

“How am I supposed to protect my friends and family from demons and monsters with a wand that shoots friendship rays or a card that makes everything taste sweet?” asked Himari, challenging reporters to questioned her decision to purchase forgo traditional magical warrior weapons for a 12 gauge shotgun and a case full of #4 buckshot rounds. “It’s ridiculous that they get shoot fireballs and lightning at me while I have to fight back with bubbles and chocolate. This gun will let me fight back and stop all this bullshittery.”

Johnson has found support online from many of her classmates, noting that they were happy to her stand up for herself and not simply accept that the deck had seemingly been stacked against her for no discernible reason. However, a small number of Himari’s classmates, mostly male, said that using a shotgun made Himari looked to manly, and that they would rather be in danger of death than be safe due to a  woman ‘acting like a man.’ “If women are able to fight with real weapons instead of rainbows and unicorns, then we may be safe from certain doom, but our society will be destroyed due to the collapse of traditional gender roles,” claimed one of Johnson’s peers, who wished to remain anonymous, but wished to go on record that they were a strong alpha male who had no fear of being cancelled. Undeterred from the pushback she received, Himari was later spotted bartering with an army veteran, appearing to try and trade in her slippers and school uniform for the ex-soldier's helmet and combat boots.